I'm sure this has everything to do with April's approach...one of the many annual reminders of my mother's gaping absence in my life...but lately I have been experiencing a pretty severe sensation of displacement. My own life feels like it's being driven by forces external from myself. I don't feel like I have a home or a community outside of Travis and work. I don't feel like there is a purpose to any of this.
For example...
I am finishing up a master's degree in teaching, but I will not teach. Telescope in a bit, and I'm also midway through a semester of courses even less relevant to my life or my character or my interests. This has resulted in my being so unmotivated and uninspired that--for the first time in my college career--I absolutely do not care about my grades. (In case you're wondering, this does not improve my self-image or self-esteem in any way.)
I am stuck in a job that I know I'm going to leave next year. I want to feel valued and respected here, but the more I establish myself as a worth-while employee, the more guilt I feel about not sticking around.
I am not a Texan. The longer I live here, the more obvious and inescapable that becomes.
Lastly, I feel very unlikable. Losing touch with nearly all of my childhood and high school companions has left me feeling erased. It's all "Eternal Sunshine"--with entire chapters of my life disappearing. Who the fuck am I?
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